Almost Normal

[Chris Fuest]

Almost Normal is movie made in 2005 about a 40 year old gay man who is unhappy with the current quality of his life and because of a car accident, while unconscious, in his mind goes back to high school and relives his years first as a gay man and then as a heterosexual man.

It is a powerful film about embracing who you are and loving your life as it is.

It brought up a very dark, internalized homophobic realization within me. I am content to live as a second class citizen.

When I am out in public with Kevin while I may participate in public affection such as hand holding, a hug, kissing, inside I am screaming uncomfortably, afraid of what other people will think, do, or say.

I never imagined myself like this. I always saw myself as a pioneer still. When I came out I was an activist, I fought the good fight, I lived on the edge but somehow, someway, I became assimilated into what we consider normality.

I don't want this normality for myself and I outright reject it! If normality means that I am ashamed on any level of who I am as a gay man then I would rather live an abnormal life.

I can no longer allow what others think or feel about homosexuality to impede my life and my love.

When I did numerology for my 40th birthday to see which major arcana card was going to rule my 40th year from 1/23/09-1/22/10, I came up with an 8 - Strength in the Tarot.

0+1+2+3+2+0+0+9=17
1+7 = 8

Here is the meaning of the Strength card:

showing strength
knowing you can endure
having a gallant spirit
feeling an unshakable resolve
taking heart despite setbacks
having stamina
being a rock

being patient
dealing calmly with frustration
accepting others
taking time
maintaining composure
refusing to get angry
showing forbearance

being compassionate
giving others lots of space
tolerating
understanding what others are feeling
accepting
forgiving imperfection
being kind

achieving soft control
persuading
working with
guiding indirectly
being able to influence
tempering force with benevolence
demonstrating the strength of love

I am utilizing the energy of this card to create a necessary change in my life and be proud of who I am as a gay man and no longer cower; inwardly or outwardly.

[Spanish eyez]

So hang in there. I think that is one of the hardest of life's lessons. Love what we are and be what we are. I'm still trying every minute of every day.

[Spanish eyez]

I keep telling myself "I have to be me!" Gee that seems to have a Broadway theme song written for it. Hmmm maybe it does! I think I also need to feel comfortable in my own body {which isn't the way I want it to look} and at 53 still haven't learned to love myself. THAT IS MY BIGGEST PROBLEM! Why, at 53, can't I love myself. Everyone else seems to be able to. 'Cept those that I want to!

[Marianne Goldweber]

Bravo.
The dare to be authentic transcends sexual preference. Accepting ourselves unconditionally is what our society struggles with. Period. No one is enough, or has enough or looks enough. in comparison to what???

How and who we chose to love is personal- it is also just a fraction of who you are as a Spiritual being on this Earthly plane.

Complete acceptance of who we are is the challenge.

Our society has labels to identify everything- or to explain everything.
Nothing is just what it is. Those labels limit us to be only those things.

Who am I?: I am a worthy child of Light and Love. The rest is just a story....no explanation required.

Thank you Chris... :)